Phil & Ted's Sexy Boomer Show - Tuesday, June 23, 2026

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1. This is Ralph Nader, and you're listening to Radio Powered by the People, KPFK, 90.7
2. FM Los Angeles, 98.7 FM Santa Barbara, and across the globe at kpfk.org.
3. Welcome to Phil and Ted's Sexy Boomer Show.
4. I'm Ted Bonnet.
5. I'm Phil Proctor.
6. Hey, Phil, how are you?
7. Well, not that well.
8. I've gone viral.
9. Oh.
10. I've got some kind of a congestive virus.
11. Oh.
12. All right, and that's why my voice sounds a little strange.
13. I'm looking for work with this voice, though.
14. I was going to say, that's...
15. It has a certain kind of, you know, command to it.
16. Uh-huh.
17. So I could play maybe a villain or something like that.
18. A super spreader.
19. Yeah.
20. See?
21. Oh, that's...
22. I just pushed the cough button.
23. Okay.
24. Anyway, I'm going to do my very best.
25. My ears are unclogged, so I'm looking forward to listening to the show.
26. A flem.
27. A flem.
28. Now, barbecue, tip us a stave.
29. The old woman.
30. Aye, aye, mates.
31. I'll sing you one for working, too.
32. Fifteen men on a dead man's chair.
33. Oh, what a run.
34. We have a special treat this summer.
35. The Sexy Boomer Show is bringing you the brand new audio production of Treasure Island.
36. It's a miniseries that will be premiering on public radio stations nationwide this month in July.
37. We're going to be carrying all eight episodes on our time, which is Tuesdays at 2 o'clock here at KPFK.
38. We wanted to speak with the writer and director, Orson Osmond. Orson, welcome.
39. Thanks. I'm happy to be here.
40. Actually, you're happy to be there.
41. Right. You're broadcasting from a studio on Whidbey Island where your dad, Dave Osmond, and your lovely mother, Judith Walcott, live and create.
42. and they, as usual, have been like the executive producers
43. of this incredible production.
44. And I can't wait for you to share with the people
45. what an amazing event it was to make it.
46. And the result is absolutely startling and great fun.
47. And I'm so happy that we can play it over the summer
48. because I know people are going to just love it.
49. Yeah, I am here on beautiful Whidbey Island.
50. It is gorgeous right now.
51. And there's only a couple of those days every year.
52. Yeah, a couple of gorgeous days on Whidbey, huh?
53. Only so many of them.
54. A lot of them are focused in the summertime,
55. which is where we actually recorded this entire production,
56. was mostly outside on location on Whidbey Island.
57. This is an audio drama, but it's created in a cinematic style,
58. which is really interesting.
59. Now, Orson, you come from a very fine pedigree of audio producers.
60. Your father and your mother, David Osman, known for the Fireside Theater, of course, and Judith Walcott, who is a wonderful producer and director in her own right.
61. And your parents have done some really beautiful productions over the years that have been heard on NPR.
62. Wizard of Oz. Yeah. I mean, I was a I would say I was a little studio brat for that production.
63. And I was riding my razor scooter around for War of the Worlds.
64. I was just the crying baby.
65. I was a barking dog I played Toto I played Toto Yeah I got to play a pickle salesman in Oz
66. That was my big audio part for that.
67. Otherwise, I was just tasked with getting the signatures from all the incredible voice talent that showed up to be part of that production.
68. So, yeah, I've been on and in and around the radio since I was a really little kid.
69. but I did go to film school and I grew up acting and kind of learned the importance of audio in
70. film by just knowing how powerful it was on its own. Yeah. And then being able to really kind of
71. understand that honestly, it's a controversial take. Probably 51% of your movie is sound.
72. You can ruin a movie with a bad, with, with the wrong song, the wrong score, the wrong sound
73. effects, a lack of sound effects, you can just ruin a movie. In fact, you can watch a movie at
74. the worst possible, grainiest quality, but if the sound is high quality, is the professional
75. soundtrack, you don't really care. Your eyes don't care that the image is blurry and grainy.
76. What you really care about is the realism of the sound that backs it up.
77. No, that's because you're usually asleep.
78. Fair.
79. You can follow a movie without the picture, but you really can't follow a movie without the sound.
80. Yeah, unless it's a silent movie and the acting is really broad.
81. Or the acting is really good.
82. To be fair, I've watched some good movies with the sound off at the airport, and I'm like, I know everything that's happening here.
83. But that really is because of the pedigree of the performer.
84. The Fireside Theater, we always refer to this as movies of the mind.
85. Absolutely.
86. And the fact that the imagination can fill in wonderful locations and events and emotions and things, and it happens.
87. It's like it augments the screen, but in this case, it is the movie.
88. We're in an era of enhanced audio, not only technically, but in storytelling with podcasting, the notion of theater of the mind.
89. Same way that writing a novel is an interactive medium.
90. You're asking the reader to do a tremendous amount of work on their own,
91. but that's actually the fun part.
92. This asks for less effort on your part.
93. All you have to do is listen to it,
94. and it immediately will activate the conjuring of images,
95. and it takes so much less effort than reading a book,
96. which is kind of a crazy thing because this is also, you know,
97. it's like it is a book.
98. We are adapting a book.
99. This is a book.
100. Talking about Treasure Island, the classic.
101. Yeah, the classic by Robert Louis Stevenson, which was originally published in 1883, but set in the 1700s, probably the early 1700s.
102. It doesn't actually say in the book because it wants it to be a little swimmy, but it hints at happening within the golden age of piracy.
103. What I've done is I've set it about 100 years after that.
104. It was right at the end of historical piracy.
105. The War of 1812 had just finished.
106. We hired pirates to help us win that battle against the British. Jean Lafitte, the French pirate, helped win the Battle of New Orleans from the naval side. And there was still piracy. They were still being hired. They were privateers. And that was kind of the end of it.
107. So because this story is set in 1828 in the bayous south of New Orleans, it puts piracy
108. in the place of myth and legend as opposed to in the present active.
109. And all of the pirates are inherently older and they kind of like the old salty dogs the grizzled sailors that remember the golden age of piracy And they were probably very young men as it was ending and heard the legends themselves
110. And so this, the idea of Captain Flint, he is a fictional pirate, but he is an amalgamation of many other historical pirates before that.
111. And what Robert Louis Stevenson really did, which is kind of incredible, and you don't really realize this until you read the book.
112. and then you realize when this was published originally,
113. but he basically invented every trope about pirates
114. that is not historically accurate
115. that we believe to be true.
116. There are many pieces of historical accuracy
117. buried within kind of pirate mythos,
118. but burying treasure on an island,
119. using a map, marking it with an X,
120. deposing a captain with a black spot,
121. having a parrot that talks,
122. missing a leg like all of these things are like yeah they're theoretically possible but he put
123. them all in the same place together at the same time and while he was doing that he accidentally
124. baked in the what we now look at as like the pirate genre or a swashbuckler genre um are just
125. kind of like inherently his that he created so i were trying to pay homage to that i i tried to
126. adapt every single beat of the book. Orson, Keith David is the star. He plays Long John Silver.
127. He does, and masterfully. He is honestly the smartest, most cunning Long John Silver that
128. has been created at this point in time, I will say. His performance and the direct text,
129. the full unabridged adaptation of Long John Silver's methodology is what always gets left
130. out and he's always supposed to be a kind of a ham faced you know i'm just a little bit stupid
131. because i'm a pirate jim you're smart as pain jim smart as pain i'm just i'm just oh don't worry
132. about me i'm just a silly old room brain sailor jim no he is well spoken he is cunning he is sharp
133. and uh and here's a little clip of him gentlemen of fortune would be smart not to trust anyone but
134. themselves, lad.
135. But I have a way with me, I have.
136. I used to run
137. a tight ship. There's not
138. a man among the crew that
139. didn't fear old Pew.
140. And blind Pew himself was
141. afraid of old Captain Flint.
142. The devil himself would have feared
143. to go to sea with that man.
144. But Flint?
145. Flint?
146. Flint, his own
147. self, was
148. a fear of me.
149. and that's a scene from the upcoming drama treasure island with the star keith david
150. playing long john silver and our guest today is the writer and director of treasure island
151. a telling for the new world orson osman why treasure island why did you choose this project
152. oh i just i grew up loving pirate myth and and so i've always loved the story i love pirate stories
153. I think one of my favorite pieces of art is that marooned, it's just this pirate on the beach,
154. sitting on this sandbar. He's got this little red scarf and he's just like by himself.
155. I still want to make a movie just based on that painting. I love pirate. I love the myth.
156. Grew up on an island.
157. And I grew up on an island. Yeah, where there was a lot of sailing ships and I was surrounded by,
158. I got to sail on actual wooden sailing ships as a kid in school classes and stuff. And I don't know,
159. My little brother also loves pirates.
160. We have so many pirate books This will be the premiere of the show in Los Angeles That right But where is it premiering before that It will be on a variety of different radio stations It be
161. on the, I think it's WCAI, which is the Cape and the Islands out there, Cape Cod, Alabama,
162. and a variety of different places, but I can't remember the call letter. Wow, great. You will
163. play it on the West Coast. It's also going to be played on KSCR at some point in time. There are
164. many stations that are going to play it. Let's talk a little bit about the production itself.
165. You have a tremendous cast. You have Keith David as Long John Silver. You have John Goodman as
166. Billy Bones. Indeed. And Glenn Turman as our narrator, as the storyteller who plays
167. an older Jim Hawkins recalling the story. And you have an original score by Taj Mahal.
168. incredible musical arrangement. So the process was we shot a 370 page screenplay in 10 days.
169. Good God. Audio only. Now, just for reference, normal feature films shoot about three pages a
170. day. And we were shooting about 35 pages a day on average. That's amazing. That's a lot.
171. on the big on the on the heaviest day was 42 pages in the day i think one of the reasons you
172. were able to do that was because you had an approach that was using an ensemble where you
173. were recording on location you had a home that had a pond so you were able to do exteriors interiors
174. in this house and outside so you didn't have to move from location location no there was a moment
175. where i was like we i want to go you know record in a cave and i want to go record up on this hill
176. and I want to record over here.
177. And then I was like,
178. oh man, company move in the middle of the day.
179. That's just going to burn my schedule so hard.
180. I can't even think about that.
181. You really don't need to do those things.
182. You don't.
183. I mean, there are cool locations on Whidbey
184. that if I, there's an old abandoned fort
185. that has some bunkers.
186. And I was like, oh, it'd be really cool.
187. But honestly, Randy Tom was like,
188. please record the cave in the deadest room
189. is what you should do.
190. And then you should add that reverb later.
191. And you should ask your actors
192. not to overlap dialogue.
193. and it's actually really hard to do
194. because if you record in a cave
195. and you bake in crazy reverb,
196. it's going to be unintelligible sometimes.
197. And that just kind of,
198. that defeats the purpose of what we're doing.
199. So that was really stage advice.
200. And now it sounds great
201. because we were able to control that reverb
202. and control the size and the space of that cave.
203. So even when they're in,
204. you know, later when they get to Ben Gunn's cave,
205. there's a little atrium
206. and that's a smaller cave space
207. than the larger cave space.
208. And it's that larger cave space with the fireplace.
209. So it's like we're able to control the size and quality of that reverb in a cool way.
210. But otherwise, we were really trying to bake in perspective with a singular microphone.
211. And Rob Scott, our on-set recordist and boom operator, was able to get everybody on mic as we were in a giant group scene.
212. There's one where there's six people in a longboat rowing to shore with a bunch of waves that are about to sink them.
213. and then somebody starts shooting a cannon at them,
214. and so there's more splashing, and they've got to fire back,
215. and the kickback from the gun is about to sink them,
216. and it's just a very, very chaotic scene.
217. Almost.
218. Keep rowing.
219. Don't stop now.
220. Another 20 strokes and we'll be ashore.
221. I'm pulling as fast as I can, but the waves.
222. Not that way.
223. Just don't have the gun loaded.
224. Hold it.
225. Ready.
226. Almost.
227. They're aiming the cannon.
228. Give us the word, Will.
229. Hold the hours.
230. Ready.
231. Hold.
232. We're sinking, Captain!
233. You're wearing the shallows, lads. Abandon ship. Save the cargo.
234. Keep the partners ready.
235. that's a clip from the treasure
236. Island audio miniseries that we're going to be premiering here on KPFK next week during the
237. Sexy Boomer Hour for the next eight weeks this summer. Special treat we're very proud to bring
238. to you. Our guest today is Orson Osmond, the writer and director of this beautiful production.
239. Orson, you have the actors talking to each other, interacting, doing scenes together.
240. Actors are trained to work off of each other, and so many audio productions are done in an
241. isolated fashion where they bring in the talent and they just do wild lines and then somebody
242. matches it up. I've been doing cartoon voices for years. That's why my voice is so tired right now.
243. And one of the things about it is that some of the techniques involve putting the entire cast
244. into a room, recording the show as though it's a radio show, and then doing pickups afterwards,
245. things that need to be changed or emphasized. And that's pretty good. But when you have an
246. opportunity to physically become involved in a scene. To get up and walk from one place to
247. another. And when you're in a fight, to be able to actually manifest that on your feet,
248. it's thrilling. And it certainly communicates to the audience.
249. Yeah, I think it translates really well. I've been an actor in a bunch of radio plays with you,
250. Phil. And I just, I know that when there are, there have been certain performances that we've
251. done together where they just put us all on one flat line and we can't look at each other at all.
252. And I'll tell you, those performances are not as good, even though we are all doing a really good
253. job and we're doing our job and we're reacting to what we can. It's not as good as reacting to
254. something that is visual and, and, uh, sonic as well. And physical having Keith David, I gave him
255. a crutch. He had a crutch when he was playing Long John Silver. That's right. It was his
256. responsibility to, and it's very awkward to hold a script and a crutch. Of course, that's really
257. annoying, but just giving it, having him hold him under his arm. And whenever I had him move,
258. maybe a few steps in the scene, there wasn't a ton of blocking. It's the radio after all,
259. I don't have to actually have people across 15 foot gaps. I can walk into the scene, you know,
260. three, four steps conveys quite a bit on the radio. But if those few steps involve his crutch,
261. it gives cues to my sound designers later to be like, deepen that, add that, sweeten that.
262. And there's actually a beautiful little like metal clink that they added to his crutch too.
263. So every single time there's just a tiny little, like a loose bit of, you know, of metal adornment
264. that kind of just sweetens the sound of it. So there's a big clunk and a little, and the wooden,
265. the wooden that's from production and then a little kind of a metal clink as well and it
266. deepened it a little bit and so it just gave them a cue and it gave him something to attach
267. to his character and something that reminded him that he was not just walking that he was playing
268. a character who only had one leg and that this was part of his character and that whenever he
269. was walking he would have to put that down to show you know at what pace he was walking for me
270. I played Ben Gunn We went into the middle of the woods I hid myself in the bushes and I came out of the bushes And Jim is in and he there And I wore like this fuzzy poncho thing so I could feel like I had a little bit of stuff on me
271. You don't need a costume, but just having something that makes you feel like next time I might tell people to try to bring a shoe that's appropriate.
272. We don't need a costume department, but we need a shoe department.
273. Sounds like you were inspired by Bigfoot.
274. So we're all diving in towards this meeting point with the listener when you have the actors physically moving
275. That yeah that allows the sound designers to enhance that
276. Instead of just being in a booth by yourself in open space and trying to swirl sound effects around them
277. Which is what doesn't sound realistic. No, if you have actors interacting
278. That gives the sound designers an opportunity to support the movement. Yeah, there's a blocking to the scene
279. You can even put clothes moving.
280. And so you put a lot of sounds in there that are not designed to be consciously heard.
281. Yeah, absolutely.
282. My two sound designers who really took the show into their hands creatively, Matt Schwartz and Tom Ozeal, we had a lot of conversations about those little sounds.
283. There are certain locations that have a background sound that is just there to create mood and ambience and tone from a more textural and emotional point of view than a logical point of view.
284. And this is something that you would do in film.
285. And this is one of the reasons that this is not your average radio play.
286. It is a radio movie.
287. It is a miniseries for your mind because of these choices that we are making.
288. For example, when we're in the Benbow Inn, there is a clock in the background.
289. And Tom was like, I really want to put a clock back here because there's a lot of Jim waiting to go on his adventure after a certain point in time.
290. So in the dead space of that, there should be the pressure of time.
291. Let's play a little piece that features Taj Mahal, who did the original score for this series.
292. He wrote every piece of music after listening to our finished show.
293. And it took a year for him to actually fully score every moment that we needed to score.
294. Wow.
295. One of the pieces that he delivered, first take, first try, and just brought a tear to our eye was the Bayou Funeral, where Jim Hawkins and the neighborhood are mourning the loss of his father.
296. The whole bayou came out to the cove for my father's funeral.
297. It was a joyous procession.
298. And even though I was indeed very sad,
299. all I could think of was the weight of the coffin on my shoulder.
300. Imagining that weight was a chest full of pirate treasure.
301. Oh, that's beautiful.
302. That's a sequence from the upcoming miniseries audio presentation
303. of Treasure Island, written and directed by our guest Orson Osmond. Taj Mahal's music, wow,
304. what a gift for you to have that to work with. It is an incredible gift, I will say. It
305. was constantly surprising and what he would come back with, you know, and at a certain point in
306. time, we added other instrumentalists, and Mads Talling, who is a Grammy award-winning
307. violinist fiddle player He just added I think what was missing was kind of a vocal element because Taj doesn sing at all on any of these tracks In fact he said he specifically did not
308. want to distract by using his voice at all, because he felt like it would get in the way
309. of the narration or the voices that were already happening, right? It was very rhythmic, and he
310. dummied in a lot of a lot of the score with harmonica he actually the first thing he sent
311. us was almost exclusively harmonica tracks because that allows him to improvise in a key
312. at will harmonicas are beautiful for that reason you know you can't play a wrong note
313. you're always in the key of c on the c harmonica but it allows you to fully improvise around and
314. bend notes and play melodically.
315. He was singing through his instruments, really.
316. Truly, through the harmonica.
317. Sometimes we took the harmonica away and it just was the guitar.
318. One of my favorite tracks that we use quite often is this kind of what we call the Billy Bones theme or the Pirates theme.
319. It's mostly just kind of a menacing harmonica and a nice little repeating, eerie, ominous riff. It's great.
320. Treasure Island, a telling for the new world. We are thrilled to be able to bring this special production to our Sexy Boomer audience this summer. It debuts next week on our show, which is every Tuesday at 2 o'clock for an hour here on KPFK. And this is a spectacular eight-part production, a movie for the mind in the ears.
321. Hey, this is going to be appointment radio, folks.
322. That's right. And it stars Keith David, John Goodman, Glenn Turman, Phil Proctor.
323. You play both Black Dog and Mr. Hands.
324. Black Dog is a French pirate, yes. Mr. Hands is Irish, eh?
325. Yeah.
326. I remember, right? Yeah.
327. Treasure Island, faithful to the original book, recorded on location with a fine cast.
328. Skywalker Sound was involved in helping with the sound design.
329. Just a really special production.
330. If you want to learn more, it's at RadioTreasureIsland.org.
331. Phil and I are really proud to be able to present Treasure Island in its full length.
332. It's eight episodes beginning next Tuesday on our show, sexyboomershow.com, every Tuesday at 2 o'clock.
333. Orson Osmond is the writer and director of the production.
334. Orson, thank you so much. Good luck with this.
335. Thank you, Ted. Thank you, Phil.
336. And, yeah, I hope everybody enjoys Treasure Island, a telling for the new world.
337. I'm sure they will.
338. Let's go out with one more sequence.
339. Maybe we could hear a little bit of John Goodman playing Billy Bones.
340. I was thinking of that because my character was also responsible in his own way for his demise.
341. You can keep thinking that.
342. If you know the story of Treasure Island, Billy Bones, he doesn't exactly make it super far into the story.
343. Orson, thank you so much.
344. Captain Billy Warhol, your mate.
345. What's your name again, lad?
346. It's Jim. Jim Hawkins.
347. I'll pay you a silver dollar at the end of the month.
348. If you keep watch out for your old friend the captain here.
349. How does that sound?
350. All right.
351. What do you want me watching out for?
352. I want you to keep an eye peel for a seafaring man with one leg, Jim.
353. One leg?
354. If you see a man with one leg walking up to this here inn,
355. you'll tell old Captain Billy here what's what, won't you, Jim?
356. I think I can do that.
357. Of course you can Of course you can Smart lad That John Goodman as Billy Bones in the upcoming drama Treasure Island a telling for the new world which we proud to present here on Phil and Ted Sexy Boomer Show beginning next week
358. It's an eight-episode extravaganza featuring Keith David, John Goodman,
359. a wonderful cast, and an original score by Taj Mahal.
360. Our history with Taj goes back a long way.
361. when the Fireside Theater was performing at the Ash Grove in Los Angeles in the late 60s and 70s.
362. Taj would often open for us.
363. I could not have been happier when I heard that he was going to be doing this score for this amazing project.
364. Of which you are a performer as well.
365. Yes, gratefully I am.
366. All right, Phil, well, we're going to take a little time off and enjoy the summer
367. while our audience enjoys this beautiful production.
368. And we will be back after that with an entirely new season of Phil and Ted's Sexy Boomer Show.
369. Right, Phil?
370. Whatever you say.
371. I go along for the ride and I enjoy it immensely.
372. Stockholm Syndrome.
373. Every show is a surprise.
374. We never know who we're going to get to interview.
375. And the people are all amazing.
376. Yeah.
377. I want to thank our audience for hanging with us.
378. We hope you've enjoyed this season.
379. You can hear everything at our website, sexyboomershow.com, and all your favorite platforms.
380. You find your podcasts.
381. There's a lot of good stuff to enjoy.
382. And we will see you soon.
383. Have a wonderful summer.
384. Bye.
385. Bye.
386. Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.
387. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.
388. Drink and the devil have done for us.
389. Shh, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.
390. Hey, having trouble sleeping at night?
391. Why not try?
392. The Wonderful World of Folk Music
393. I wonder how many of you remember the big folk music scare of the 60s.
394. Boy, that was close. That garbage almost caught on.
395. You know, the other day I was sitting around and thinking,
396. I wonder what the first music ever written in this great country of ours was.
397. And I was certainly hoping it wasn't that fiddle and banjo crap.
398. Lord knows we've come further than that.
399. So rather than think, I decided to look it up.
400. And I looked it up in the Encyclopedia Britannica.
401. You know, the way I got into the Britannica is kind of an interesting digression in itself.
402. I was on the road as a performer, and, well, we'd stopped in a small town in a hotel room.
403. A perfect hotel room, really, with a big double bed, soft lights, but let's face it, something was missing.
404. And that night, I have to confess, I got lucky.
405. I was actually able to find what I thought was a really good book.
406. It was called Girl to Grab.
407. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was volume six of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
408. and imagine my delight when the book opened up its wonders to me.
409. Golf carts, glowworms, Giselle McKenzie, incredible.
410. So I looked up folk music and was very delighted to find out I was quite right.
411. It wasn't that fiddle and banjo crap at all.
412. In fact, the first music made in this country wasn't even made in this country.
413. It was made a few miles offshore by Columbus and his merry men
414. as they were sailing to our new land.
415. Imagine what that was like.
416. No instruments, just singing alcapella.
417. Just imagine what it was like.
418. Captain Clemmons?
419. Yes, Malarkey?
420. The men haven't eaten in days, sir.
421. Yes, Malarkey.
422. Captain, I don't think you fully understand.
423. I said the men have not eaten in days.
424. I heard you, Malarkey. Thank you.
425. Captain, you've gone quite mad.
426. I'm telling you for the last time, the men have not eaten in days.
427. Well, force them.
428. You've plenty of men, haven't you?
429. Plenty, sir.
430. Plenty of what, sir?
431. Men, sir.
432. What?
433. Men.
434. What?
435. Men.
436. Men.
437. Men.
438. Men.
439. Men.
440. Men.
441. Men.
442. Men.
443. Men.
444. Men.
445. Men.
446. Men.
447. Men.
448. Men.
449. Men.
450. Men.
451. Men.
452. Men.
453. Men.
454. Men.
455. It's great to be on a ship with men and sail across the sea.
456. Oh, we don't know where we'll land or when, but it's great to be with men.
457. It's great to be with men
458. Cause men can sweat and men can stink
459. And no one seems to care, oh
460. We'll throw the dishes in the sink
461. And clog the drain with hair, oh
462. Clog the drain with hair, oh
463. Men, men, men
464. It's a ship all filled with men
465. So batten down the ladies' room
466. There's no one here but men
467. Men, men, men
468. There's men above, there's men below
469. There's men down in the galley
470. There's Bush and Spike and Buzz
471. And one guy we call Sally
472. And one guy we call Sally
473. Men, men, men
474. It's a ship all filled with men
475. You'll never have to lift a seat
476. There's no one here but men
477. Men, men, men
478. We're men and friends until the end
479. And none of us are sissies
480. At night we sleep in separate beds
481. And blow each other kissies
482. And blow each other kissies
483. Men, men, men
484. It's a ship all filled with men
485. So throw your rubbers overboard
486. There's no one here but men
487. Amen.
488. and offer in sexual practices for the whole of Denmark.
489. Who are you?
490. This be the whaler Ted Williams from New Hampshire.
491. I be Captain Billy Pate, and I'm proud to say, sir,
492. we carry not a drop of whale oil,
493. for we are enlightened users of the fishery
494. and believers in the sanctity of life
495. for all creatures on the good ship Earth.
496. It is our ethic, sir, to release all that we do catch.
497. Well, say or do you?
498. Sir, do you mean to say you are whalers who kill no whales?
499. Aye, that we are.
500. Arr!
501. Three years out of Portsmouth town and bound for the Azores,
502. we said farewell to the wife and kids and kissed our favorite whores.
503. No oil had we within the hole, no blubber on the deck,
504. and to a man we're one and all politically correct.
505. Oh, we catch the beast and we let him go wherever we may sail.
506. We're catch and release whalers and we never harm the whale.
507. Ye binky whales and humpback whales and grey whales big and small.
508. You not to fear from us me lads we won hurt you at all We take their pictures and let them go they live to tell the tale Or we catch and release the whalers and we never harm the whale
509. We never butcher
510. minke whales like them
511. Norwegian chaps.
512. And have no taste
513. for sushi like them
514. blabber-eating chaps.
515. Belay that talk, me boy. No man on this vessel shall use such pejorative terms for the Nipponese.
516. Benighted though they may be in their abuse of the marine environment, they are still our brothers under the skin.
517. Take him below.
518. Sir, you mean I'm to be confined to quarters?
519. Aye, Ross Gunnison, that you are.
520. But sir, what about the larger issue of free speech?
521. Lad, you know there is no more ardent defender of First Amendment rights than I.
522. But racism cannot be tolerated.
523. Confine him to the meditation room, boy.
524. Cut his toe-full rations in half.
525. And cancel his subscription to Fly Rod Me.
526. To the capstan, lads.
527. Put your backs in it, for we've miles to go and large marine mammals to annoy.
528. Ah, Mr. Eagle, how I do love the smell of good men sweating in the noonday sun.
529. Aye, sir, it sets the heart a-pounding.
530. Whale, ho!
531. Whale, off the port bow!
532. Aye, he's a big'un.
533. Steady, boys.
534. Wait till he breaches?
535. My, what a lovely creature.
536. Big bull, 60 feet or more.
537. Lay up alongside.
538. Hand me me fly rod.
539. I'm going to cast to him with this nine-weight sage.
540. As you see, I've tied up a streamer designed to imitate the small heron he's feeding on.
541. A marvelous hook, I trust.
542. Naturally, Mr. Lampson.
543. I'll just lay out a cast very gently and let it drift down the tide.
544. There!
545. He took it!
546. Now that eight pound tippet will only hold!
547. After him lads!
548. He's headed for New Guinea!
549. After him, lads! He's headed for New Guinea!
550. After him!
551. Eighteen days he's been fighting the beast.
552. Aye, but he loves him so, you can see it in the captain's eye.
553. a look of pure compassion for the whale.
554. Fly fishermen, Mr. Able, are the poets among anglers.
555. Aye, that they are. And girlish, too.
556. He's breaching!
557. Break out the harpoon!
558. The one with the rubber suction tip!
559. Get the one with the rubber suction tip!
560. Fire!
561. Haul, boys, now! Haul!
562. Bring him outside! Easy, easy!
563. Don't hurry!
564. Leave, ho! Leave, ho!
565. Quit your carpenter. It is a sperm whale after all.
566. Easy now, easy lads. Bring him right up to the boat.
567. That it good Now take me picture Come on be sure to get the flyer on him How does this focus It all automatic Just shoot Ah well done lads Now I gently remove the hook
568. Ah, there we go.
569. Oh, yes, Captain.
570. Captain, you're beautiful.
571. There he goes. No worse for wear.
572. Men, there is no finer calling than this.
573. To find one of God's lovely creatures in the open sea.
574. To hook him, fight him to exhaustion, and let him go.
575. Aye, Captain. Aye, Wilson.
576. There he is.
577. Well, me hearties, what say you?
578. Shall we catch another?
579. Yay!
580. We take the pictures and let them go, whatever we may say.
581. For we're catching release.
582. We'll attend. We've never harmed a whale.
583. Back from the shadows again
584. Out where an engine's your friend
585. Where the vegetables are green
586. And you can pee into the stream
587. Yes, we're back from the shadows again
588. Howdy, everybody
589. I'm the Whispering Squad
590. And I'm the Lonesome Beach
591. And I'm Artie Choke
592. And we're just a joke
593. And don't be afraid, little people
594. Cause we're just holy ground
595. Great
596. Yeah, but what about you, partner?
597. What you doing today?
598. Can't be much, Lonesome
599. Nobody's working
600. Nobody except us
601. And I'm getting tired of standing here
602. With these geeks a-gawking at me
603. Now you keep it sweet, Pete
604. Listen here, Leebhead, I'm gonna...
605. Now, now, boys.
606. Fightin's out of style.
607. Fun's where the fair's at.
608. In the future, that is.
609. You can bet your roots, toots, it's tons of fun.
610. And technical stipulation.
611. That's what I need.
612. And there's lots more of me where I come from.
613. In government-inflicted simulation.
614. The future can't wait.
615. No place to hide.
616. Yeah, so climb on aboard.
617. We're going inside.
618. We're going back to the shadows again.
619. Out where an Indian's your friend.
620. Going down, going down.
621. Where the vegetables are green.
622. And you can pee right into the stream.
623. And that's important.
624. We're back from the shadows again.
625. Doors close in five seconds.
626. Pluck the duck.
627. Who have I got to lose?
628. Live in the future.
629. It's just starting now.
630. Welcome in.
631. Now follow the rubber line to your seat.
632. Excuse me, is this window taken?
633. Oh, no, certainly not
634. Take your seat
635. Thank you
636. Oh, wow
637. Hey, it's soft, it's soft, isn't it?
638. That's really comfortable
639. It's just like sitting in a big hand
640. Comfy?
641. Now here's famous broadcaster Floyd Dan
642. Hello globetrotters While we still on the ground let look around and see where we are Imagine the windows to your left
643. It's 5,000 feet to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
644. Yet now, as inevitable as dawn,
645. The sun, arcing on its axis, rises to meet the east, chariot racing across the high,
646. noon, desert sky, only to plummet like a cold Icarus into the central, fermenting seas of
647. the South Pacific.
648. Ah, that's pretty.
649. And even now, yet, as scary night descends upon us, we could appreciate the wonders of
650. nature, as stimulating as man's own triumphs. Let us pause.
651. That was our final ground stop. Ladies and gentlemen, children, bozo.
652. Say, I'm a bozo.
653. Oh, yeah, I thought you had kind of a big nose.
654. You recognized it, huh? You'd like to give it a squeeze?
655. Oh, no.
656. Now, come on, squeeze the wheeze.
657. Many people like to hear that.
658. See, it doesn't hurt me.
659. You know, I think we're all bozos on this bus.
660. My mother was a bozoette at school.
661. No kidding.
662. Well, you know, my mom always said,
663. you're going to start young if you're going to stick it out.
664. Well, my mother didn't talk to me much.
665. Now, please, everyone.
666. Poor kid.
667. Lock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes,
668. and prepare yourselves for a period of simulated exhilaration.
669. Everybody ready?
670. Excuse me, I'm just going to sink in.
671. Not too far there.
672. The future is fun.
673. The future is there.
674. You may already have won.
675. You may already be there.
676. Hello.
677. We are glad you made it.
678. Welcome to the future!
679. Was that simulating?
680. Who knows?
681. Be sure to inflate shoes before crossing the water.
682. Remember the rubber lines are for your convenience and protection.
683. Thank you.
684. Oh, well, hey, don't forget to pump your shoes.
685. Oh, I don't wear them anymore. I gave them up years ago.
686. Oh.
687. Well, come on.
688. Well, I must go where the bozos go, kid.
689. Yeah, I'll bet. So long.
690. Yeah, the longer the better.
691. Well, listen, kid, I'm alone.
692. I got the clone.
693. Maybe we'll run into each other on the fun way, huh?
694. Yeah, you bet, honky.
695. Uh-huh.
696. Oh.
697. Hey, howdy, little partner.
698. Well, which way you going now, huh?
699. I don't know, Mr. Beach.
700. Yeah, that's right.
701. You could cut them off in the past.
702. What?
703. But I'll tell you what I'd like to recommend.
704. Wall of Science.
705. Cause it's my favorite.
706. Just climb aboard that old...
707. Yellow...
708. Rubber line.
709. Well, thank you, partner.
710. Tessie on the fun way.
711. Yippee-tie-wun-dun.
712. So long, beat head.
713. I give my...
714. I'm standing here like an idiot talking to myself.
715. I might as well walk over the old yellow line.
716. Stand here on the yellow line like an idiot talking to myself.
717. You have chosen the path of science.
718. Huh?
719. Stand in the middle of the road line.
720. That's where I am, real comfy.
721. Oh!
722. Please keep your hands to yourself.
723. Thank you.
724. You're welcome.
725. Before the beginning, there was this turtle.
726. And the turtle was alone.
727. And he looked around.
728. And he saw his neighbor, which was his mother.
729. And he lay down on top of his neighbor.
730. and behold she bore him in tears an oak tree
731. which grew all day and then fell over like a bridge.
732. And lo, under the bridge there came a catfish
733. and he was very big and he was walking
734. and he was the biggest he had seen.
735. And so were the fiery balls of this fish
736. One of which is the sun
737. And the other they hold for moon
738. Yes, some uncomplicated peoples still believe this myth
739. But here in the technical vastness of the future
740. We can guess that surely the past was very different
741. We can surmise, for instance, that these two great balls
742. We know for certain, for instance
743. that for some reason, for some time in the beginning,
744. there were hot lumps.
745. Cold and lonely,
746. they whirled noiselessly through the black holes of space.
747. These insignificant lumps came together
748. to form the first union,
749. our sun, the heating system.
750. And about this glowing gas bag rotated the earth.
751. The cat's eye among maggots, blinking in astonishment across the face of time.
752. Well, we were covered with a molten scum of rocks, bobbing on the surface like rats.
753. Later, when there was less heat, these giant rock groups settled down among the land masses.
754. During this extinct time, our earth was like a steam room, and no one, not even man,
755. get in. However, the oceans and the sewers were simmering with a rich protein stew, and
756. the mountains moved in to surround and protect them. They didn't know then that living as
757. we know it was already taken over. Thank you.
758. Animals without backbones hid from each other or fell down.
759. Clamorosaurs and oysterettes appeared as appetizers.
760. Then came the sponges, which sucked up about 10% of all life.
761. Hundreds of years later, in the late devouring period, fish became obnoxious. Trailer bikes,
762. sugar bites and mosquitoes collided aimlessly in the dense gas Finally tiny edible plants sprang up in rows
763. giving birth to generations of insecticides and other small dying creatures.
764. Thank you.
765. millions of months passed and 28 days later the moon appeared
766. this small change was reflected best perhaps in the sand dollar which shrank to almost
767. nothing but the bottom of the pool
768. where even dumb amphibians like catfish
769. laid their eggs in the boiling waters
770. only to be gobbled up every three minutes
771. by the giant sea orbs and jungle bunnies
772. which scared everybody.
773. And so, in fear and hot water,
774. Man is born
775. I am La Brea Man
776. I am First Man
777. Wife and I live in Pips
778. I discover pain and boredom
779. And how to use hands in self-defense
780. I am his son
781. I am called Plow Man
782. I was the first to dig the earth
783. And make the rivers run backward
784. There was no stopping me or my wife.
785. I am his many cousins.
786. I kept the stone.
787. I smelt the rock.
788. I branched a shoe.
789. I laid the ass.
790. Together we made enough noise to keep the wolves awake.
791. I am his godson, Sybilized Man.
792. I harnessed the secret of the calendar
793. And with the power of the week
794. I built the pyramids
795. I am his mentor, Hippocrates
796. I put him through school
797. Where he learned to stand up for a principal
798. And sit down on his own stool
799. I am his father, Caesare
800. I sent him away from home for something to live on
801. And paid him to fight over it
802. So now, everywhere he went, man dropped a great load of knowledge, forming a rich compost where slumbered the modifying spark of humanity.
803. Yet it was not many years later, in the little Flemish village of Cotterdam, that the restless chemist Sir Sidney Fudd was to make that particularly momentous entry in his scientific journey.
804. Love you.
805. You're a opt-soft fuddles.
806. Dear Nabi
807. Darling
808. Darling Nabi
809. Thanks for the pomegranates
810. Spunky loves them
811. And will be sitting up soon, I hope
812. As for the excellent porcelain astrolabe
813. Astrolabe
814. There's an E in there
815. Astrolabe
816. Which miraculously arrived in precise working condition
817. After its perilous journey
818. round the tit-tip-tip.
819. Oh dear it the P I set it up directly and having once aligned it upon the celestial doggy the sight so roused me that I was seized by a transport of scientific rapture
820. And whilst a happy prisoner of this unhappy state, I fell upon my glorious machine and knocked it perforce out down the kitchen stairs, carrying faithful Bunky with it.
821. You can imagine my confusion.
822. But quid malburg in pleno consternation turn to lucidation?
823. Period, there.
824. Could this be the solution to our problems, both personal and scientific?
825. Howsoever, a devilishly natural principle of science had revealed itself, exclamation point,
826. and through my quivering quill I present it to you thus, quote,
827. If you push something hard enough, it will fall over, end quote.
828. So little did this console poor Spunky that I was compelled to lie on her for at least a foot.
829. If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
830. Fudd's first law of opposition.
831. How can we best illustrate the stubborn consistency of this eternal principle?
832. by walking down this shady New England lane on Wednesday, 1875.
833. We pause before the grounded iron gate of Dr. Beddow's Pneumatic Institute
834. and eavesdrop upon two members of the amateur electrical league.
835. Dick, Dick, she works!
836. It does, it does, Tom!
837. It comes in and goes out like anything!
838. Oh, to think all I had to do was put the balls on the other side.
839. Look at them spin now.
840. Aren't they beautiful?
841. Oh, Tom, Tom.
842. Those balls will mean you're fortunate.
843. Fine, Fudge.
844. I'll patent this machine and name it after Nancy.
845. What, you mean pushover?
846. Yes, because that's what she does.
847. And she'll run everything.
848. Everywhere.
849. Every time.
850. Forever.
851. For everybody.
852. It comes in, it must go out.
853. Testicles deviant to Fudd's law.
854. So, with the invention of the motor-operated pushover,
855. man and science gave birth to life here today in the future.
856. Man, woman, child, all is up against the wall of science.
857. I like the future. I'm in it.
858. I build it myself and I love it.
859. I'm not sure.
860. Personally, I'm very pleased.
861. No, I think it's going to be all right.
862. I can dig it.
863. How do I like the future?
864. Well, the future's not here yet, man.
865. Smaller, but cleaner.
866. Right on.
867. I said live it or live with it.
868. Straight ahead.
869. Well, I think it has quite a great future in it.
870. It's electric.
871. This is the Honorable Chester Cadiver.
872. Sure, understanding today's complex world of the future is,
873. a little like having bees live in your head.
874. But there they are.
875. And like the young lady said,
876. I said live it or live with it.
877. What does this mean?
878. Well, for the straight poop,
879. let's go where I go every morning.
880. Centrally located and barely a strong throw
881. from the tomb of the unregistered voter,
882. downstairs in the historic old grid building.
883. Hello, Clive.
884. Ah, come on in, Chester.
885. Thank you very much Hi Thank you very much Hey you just in time to help me check out this new model government Yeah Yeah they just brought it down and they say it explains everything Well you know it sure is big
886. Hey, well, look.
887. Look over there on the left end.
888. That's where you work.
889. They're in the Bureau of Western Mythology.
890. By golly, we're a proud service of the Lost Electricity Reclamation Agency, Senator.
891. Yeah, well, the LAS is under the left...
892. Well, it's...
893. I don't...
894. I think I'll just plug it in.
895. Oh, well, listen.
896. I'll just use this little plug right down here.
897. Turn out that plug, Choco.
898. Uh-uh.
899. See?
900. Oh, that's terrible.
901. Oh, you've got to plug in the female.
902. Ah, listen to it.
903. It teaches you, huh?
904. Yeah.
905. Half a watt comes in here.
906. Ha, must go out there.
907. Right-o.
908. Ah, let's see what it does with this fine miniature boxcar of industrial coke.
909. Okay.
910. Oh, yeah.
911. Look at that.
912. Turn it up.
913. That's amazing.
914. Let's see.
915. It's pumped from the Veterans Tap Dance Administration.
916. Goes up here to the assistant secretary of leftovers.
917. Let's flop down to the secretary of covers.
918. Right, right.
919. Now watch it go now around the department of spies.
920. Into the office of the secretary of failure himself, wouldn't you know?
921. That's shoes for industry, Charlie.
922. And it's food for thought, you know, Mr. Brown?
923. Yeah, but we're talking about power, Choco.
924. Well, I know you are.
925. You wouldn't be here.
926. Oh, look at that.
927. Yes, sirree.
928. It heard the word power and it responded just like we do.
929. And here it comes.
930. Here comes our ox cart right back to Earth.
931. Smack dab on the middle of the small animal administration.
932. Well, I must say, that's the most incredible demonstration.
933. But where are the humans, officer?
934. Why, they're right here, son, waiting in the lobby to use the power of that ton of coke.
935. Oh, then we must be very near the president, Mr. Deleuze.
936. Yes, Dagwood.
937. He's the terminal bus.
938. The output.
939. I'll bet you he really puts out.
940. That's right. Everyone's always asking him questions.
941. Oh, well, maybe my friend here would like to ask something.
942. He's been with us since before the beginning, sir.
943. He must be bursting with a short question about his place in the future.
944. Oh, is he your friend?
945. Yes.
946. Well, ask him his name.
947. Oh, I'm sorry.
948. Could you state your name?
949. Please state your name.
950. Oh, oh, do you want me to...
951. Please state your first name.
952. uh Clem
953. thank you
954. now we can introduce you and some of your
955. selected neighbors to our
956. president
957. thanks
958. I'm Andrew Tonkovich
959. of KPFK's weekly literary
960. arts show Bibliocracy
961. support this program and the station
962. by hitting the online donations
963. button at kpfk.org
964. choose the monthly donation
965. option and like me
966. Become a sustaining member all year round.
967. Thank you.
968. Willgear Theatricum Botanicum returns this June 6th through October 4th
969. with outdoor repertory theater, events, and educational programs for all ages.
970. A Midsummer Night's Dream is back.
971. alongside Romeo and Juliet, Treasure Island, Noel Coward's Waiting in the Wings,
972. and Bernardo Cubrilla's dark and incisive new comedy, The People of Pompeii,
973. set in the aftermath of the 2025 Palisades fire.
974. Theatricum is located in Topanga Canyon, just off the 101 freeway, in the shade of the California live oaks.
975. Explore and picnic in the gardens before the show.
976. Further information
977. available at www.theatricum.com.